Caribbean Cruise scam
Tuesday January 3, 2012
At 11:30am, I get a call from an unknown number and am asked to complete an automated survey over the phone. I’m promised a free Caribbean Cruise as a prize. I didn’t have a mirror in front of me at the time, but when I heard that, I’d wager that my face lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July. Not because I love Caribbean Cruises, but because I love scams.
The survey proceeds. I’m asked to rate Congress’ handling of the debt crisis, from 1 to 5, on my keypad. Then, the same thing for the Republican Party, and then the President. Only three questions, the bar is set pretty low here. I’ve been asked twenty questions about the Time Warner service guy who connected our internet. My guess is that they don’t even record the numbers that people enter, the information seems too superficial to have any value. Also, I tried to give the President a 2 (because I’m a softie), instead of the 1’s I gave to Congress and the Republicans, but the survey wouldn’t let me, it just kept repeating the question till I pressed 1. The survey designers must have figured they knew the answers already and didn’t bother writing code to handle other responses.
The phone starts ringing on the other end and I’m connected. A few seconds of office noise and then a guy says, “Hello, how may I help you?” I love these call centers. It reminds me of infomercials that have a countdown timer, “Call in the next 30 seconds and we’ll throw in a FREE julienne fry slicer”. Like there’s some big, New Year’s Eve style countdown timer in their office and everyone is at their battle stations awaiting the massive influx of calls. Then when you call, an employee at a generic call fulfillment center answers despondently and can’t even find the original product you wanted to order in their system.
“I received a call that told me I was entitled to a free cruise. I’m very skeptical about getting a free cruise for pressing 1 three times, so mostly I’m staying on the line for the entertainment value” The guy doesn’t miss a beat. He introduces himself as Ernest and starts reading his speech.
“We’re running a promotion where we give away free cruises in exchange for people telling their friends and family about our cruise line. You can do that, can’t you?”
“Sure.”
“We’re going to send you on a 2 day, 2 night cruise to the Bahamas. All expenses paid. The only thing you have to pay for is a small, government-required, port tax and alcohol on the cruise […]” There’s the catch I was waiting for. He goes on for another few minutes talking about how great the cruise is and how beautiful Grand Bahama is. How if I win money on the ship’s casino to remember who set me up with the trip. Sure, Ernest. Finally, it’s revealed that the port tax is $59 per person, there’s a two person minimum, and that the tax has to be paid today. So, the free cruise now costs $118 dollars and I have to provide my own transportation to get to Palm Beach, Florida. When I say I don’t have the money, his supervisor, Raul, gets on the phone.
“Sir, I understand that you like our cruise, but there is a financial issue. We can put the fees on a credit card. Or we can call someone in your family to pay the fees for you.” Oh, that’s exactly what I want, to give out a phone number of someone I care about so grifters can call and ask for money. I’ve exhausted the enjoyment I can get from the call. I thank him for his time and I hang up.
I figure this scam is two pronged. The first part of it uses rebate economics. They plan on some portion of the people who pay the fees never actually going on the cruise. The same way that some (most?) people never send in the rebates on that “free” stack of CD-Rs from CompUSA. They make a tidy 100% profit in this case. The second part of the scam is that even if you do go on the cruise, and even if the port tax fee does goes directly to the government, you’ll probably wind up spending money on alcohol, so they’re still making money off of you. In this scenario, you may get a genuine discount on the cruise, and so it’s less of a scam, but then again, there may be other tricks up their sleeves to absorb your sucker money. Not to mention your phone number will forever be etched in their little black book of chumps.
Thank you, Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines. You made my day. I really love bearing witness to naked greed and deception. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but it just soothes my soul.